So there has been a lot of realization recently that so many people are in better positions than I am. What do I mean by that? Well I'll be 25 this year and so far I have yet to graduate college, been married, been divorced, changed jobs, and have no kids. I thought I was doing everything right when I got out of high school. I actually managed to make it through high school without getting pregnant unlike some girls. I was awarded with scholarships because of my G.P.A to continue on with my education.
I was even in college while I was in high school! My junior year of high school I took a Med Terminology class at a local college and then my senior year I took classes to earn my EMT license. I graduated high school in May of 2010 and completed my EMT training that July as well and was certified by September. I continued on with my education at Indiana State University but ended up leaving after a quarter because I felt that I wasn't getting help with the education and was struggling. So I went back to Ivy Tech to obtain my Paramedic degree. I was doing great until I had surgery to remove my gallbladder and couldn't go to school for 6 weeks while I healed. Because of that my g.p.a fell and I had my finanicial aid pulled from me. So my boyfriend at the time talked me into just getting a full time job and not worrying about school right now. He personally thought college was a waste of time and money. So I quit. I'm not a quitter. Never have been., but you know what I ended up getting engaged and married to him.
I ended up getting a job at a factory here locally. I worked there for 2 years. Even got a promotion to a position called a specialist. I managed a crew of about 4 people on a good day and we made rear and side doors for semi trailers. This job wasn't completely horrible. I came away with different skills, like welding! Who would have thought that I would learn how to weld! And honestly I wasn't horrible at welding, I enjoyed it, just didn't like the heat. Especially during the summer, when it was 85 degrees outside it was about 100 inside the plant. And it SUCKED!
During the time I worked at the factory I got married to previously mentioned boyfriend. I was so excited! He asked me on Christmas 2011 and I said yes. Every girl dreams of getting married right? I mean he had a job and his own vehicle. I had my own place, a job and a decent car. He moved in about 3 weeks after we started dating because I had surgery and he didn't want me to lose my place. About 2 years later we bought our own home across the street from his parents. I was excited but didn't really like the house, mainly because we didn't really look around he just pretty much jumped on this house because his parents kept telling him about it and because it had a huge garage. So we moved into this house October 2012.
During all this moving and working at the factory I was planning our wedding. I knew what I wanted but everyone kept giving me their opinion and ultimately ended up changing my mind on my own wedding. I felt like everything was a battle. He unveiled to me he didn't want to have a wedding. He just wanted to go to the courthouse and have a ceremony later on. I refused to do that.
I had dreamed of having a beautiful outdoor wedding. Well the outdoor wedding didn't happen and my wedding was ruined anyways. It stormed that day. And by stormed I mean we had tornado warnings as we said our I do's. That should have been my biggest sign to turn around and run, but I didn't.
We went through the ceremony. I looked gorgeous and I felt gorgeous. I was happy and I was getting married to the guy who was my best friend, or so I thought. After the ceremony we went to do our wedding pictures. We had our families in there and I was trying to get everyone lined up, when his step mom started throwing a fit and making a scene. I blew my top and started yelling at her to leave because I wasn't going to have anyone acting like this at my wedding. She just kept yelling and my husband started throwing chairs. Shit hit the fan. We managed to get some pictures. I treasure the ones with my parents and siblings but the others make me sick, even more so now. I had so many people show up who didn't RSVP so a lot of my guest who did RSVP had to leave which made me upset. My band was great and I will forever love them! The food no so much. My mom was upset because no one was cleaning up after themselves and she was having to work my wedding. Her and my dad were fighting too so that didn't make it any better. My younger brother and sister had both gotten into alcohol and were wasted. My sister was running around knocking on the hotel windows and mooning people and my brother was passed out in my parent's hotel room drunk. My husband had went and stayed in his best friend's room drinking and leaving me alone at the reception. It was a disaster. After everyone left. A few close friends, my parents and I sat in the reception hall drinking and cleaning. I was vacuuming the floor in my wedding dress, while my husband laid in his best friends room drinking. If I remember correctly that's not how a wedding is supposed to go. So needless to say my wedding was a disaster. And my honeymoon was not much of anything either.
I'm not a girl who likes lavish things but I do enjoy doing things that can be considered lavish sometimes. But don't we all? I just wish everything would have went right and I actually had a honeymoon.
Now I was happy with my husband. At least I thought I was. Everything with my husband was all about racing. Dirt track racing. I had been raised around that my entire life. I enjoyed it! But I think his brain was only wired to racing. I was supportive of him I really was, which is why I think I put up with him changing his mind a million times or getting pissed at whatever it was he was trying to race that year and him sell it. He really only talked about what he was going to race and this type of race part and what races he was going to race that year and what kind of racing suit he wanted. When I would talk about what I wanted to do I would get told we don't have the money or that interferes with this race. Every single time. I wanted to travel. That's what I want to do. He never wanted to do that. So I gave up and decided to focus on having a family because my number on goal in life is to be a Mom. So I started to process of making sure I was able to have kids. Low and behold I got diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which means I have cysts on my ovaries which makes it harder for me to get pregnant. So I had to go a year where I monitored my cycles in order to try and get pregnant. We weren't trying super hard but we were trying. Then one night in the garage he told me he didn't even know if he wanted to be a dad that all he really wanted to do was race. And having kids was going to keep him from doing what he loved. My world fell apart. That is all I wanted in life was to have kids. And now I couldn't even have that.
So I decided to do something for myself. After 3 years of being out of school I enrolled in Harrison College for Medical Assisting and quit my job and got a new one. He wasn't happy with the idea because I was leaving a good paying job for a job that ended up being a dud and left me on the unemployment line for a little bit. But I ended up with another job short there after. He again told me that going to school was a waste of money and what I was going for wasn't going to make me any money. Boy I'd love to laugh in his face now. He said I probably wouldn't stick with it because I don't stick with anything. This is when I was really starting to see what kind of marriage I had. I was fully supportive of him and his racing but when it came to what I wanted it was dumb and pointless.
I was thriving in school and was doing way better than what I did in high school or even the other 2 times I went to college. I was working a job at a call center making decent money. Be started saying that we never spent time together and that I was only focused on school. So this started an even bigger problem in our marriage. We started fighting a lot and it started to seem like we couldn't stand to be near each other.
Then he started getting violent, which ultimately put me in the hospital because I had lost my vision at work. Turned out I had a serve concussion and now permanently have a dent in the top of my head. So I moved back home with my parents for about 2 months while he worked out his issues and sought help for his anger. Everything was starting to get better. We even went to marriage counseling once but he just ended up upset with me. He seemed to be getting better, but then he started bailing on me and going out drinking with friends and leaving me at home alone. it felt like the only time he ever had something to do with me was when it came down to sex, which I wasn't giving him any because I was still upset with me ending up in the hospital. So he started acting weird and one night he left his phone in the bathroom when he went our with his buddies and I just had this weird feeling in the bottom of my stomach that something was going on. So I looked through his phone and there were messages to people saying that our marriage was falling apart and that to send girls his way. I was furious and confronted him on it. He said he was only joking, but I knew better. Things kept getting worse and I was pretty sure he was cheating on me and he wasn't paying any attention to me anymore and the anger was coming back. So in May of last year I told him I wanted a divorce and moved out that day. So here I was 23 getting ready to turn 24 and I was filing for divorce. The divorce was a hassle and didn't get finalized until December but at least now it's done.
I'm still thriving with school and will be done in June. I'm living at home with mom and dad to save money. Then when I'm certified I am moving away to Chattanooga to start my new life. I am anxious and nervous at the same time but I have a great support system and will make it some how. As for everyone else, 3 of my siblings are having kids and I'm still over here with none. Which breaks my heart that I did everything right and didn't get my chance to be a mom, but hopefully I will in the future. I am currently dating an amazing guy who has always had my heart since junior high, so we'll see how things go for us. I have a trip that is in the works to go to Wisconsin to see my long lost sister, and then next year my goal is to go to Norway for 5 days and to also enroll into an RN program to specialize as a Trauma Nurse. So fingers crossed there!
Xoxo Marleah
My song for this writing :)
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